What the heck is this called?

[avocado_love]

I'm doing some editing in critique circle and I'm coming across a lot of sentences that start with an action, like this:


Stumbling over the bodies, she tripped and fell.

Looking back over her shoulder, Melissa ran faster.

Gasping for breath, Yolanda looked around.

Hitting her head on the desk, Avocado Love wondered why so many people start their sentences this way.



So, fellow writers and people who are smarter than me. What the heck is this called? I want to put a name to it so I can tell people never, EVER to do it. It's quickly becoming a pet peeve. ;D Thanks!

Comments

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

Why, what's wrong with it? It can get a bit disorienting if people screw up and use it for two actions that can't be done at once, but it's fairly useful for simultaneous actions.

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

Oh there isn't, in moderation. The stuff I've read today just has every other sentence starting with a verb-ing. To me it's the difference between using some dialog tags in moderation vs using it EVERY SINGLE TIME. Like so.

"Hey Sokka," Zuko wheezed.
"What's wrong with you?" Sokka asked.
"Oh nothing," Zuko lied.
"Are you sure, buddy?" Sokka prompted.
"Well, I have been feeling a little off today," Zuko explained.
"Yeah you look like it," Sokka laughed.

Again, this is another thing that's cool in moderation, but it's annoying if used too much. And I don't even know what it's called. :(

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

Well, you've got someone using the present participle in a dependent clause, and that's about all I can tell you specifically about the use of the language.

And yeah, moderation is key. But is the problem that you're overloading or that they're overloading?

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

Present participle in a dependent clause. Hot damn, you're smart. :D Thank you.

The problem is one of the stories I was reading was overloaded with them, like with every other sentence. I was just reading it going... I don't know what's annoying me about this, but it is.

Edit: There was also a book I was reading by Lynn Flewelling that had a lot of these and would only pop up during action scenes. That got my curiosity going.

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

I asked the people near me. ;-)

Yeah, during action scenes makes sense. Like I said, it's real useful for simultaneous actions. Action scenes are really difficult to pace, I find, so they're one of my tools for that kind of scene.

'Sokka snarled and punched Zuko.' vs 'Snarling, Sokka punched Zuko.'

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. What I was reading was somewhat along the lines of this:

Slipping through the open window, Zuko tried not to make a sound. Tiptoeing across the room, he looked down at the sleeping figure in the bed. Lifting the sheets, he crawled in and snuggled against the Earth King. Kissing his cheek, he whispered, "I'm home."

Except no Zuko or Earth King.

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

Some of those work as simultaneous actions, like trying not to make a sound while slipping in the window.

Some of them... Oy, the person is screwing up the order of things. My writing teacher had a term for that, but I've forgotten what it is.

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

Yeah mine did too! If only I paid the slightest bit of attention in my English classes! :) At least that gives me way to start a google research on the grammar rules.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Ha! More often than not, I identify people by their icons. A person teaching English in Japan has an icon just like this one, so I thought this post was by her.

"Boy, she got a lot more comments than her posts usually do... *reads comments* Huh! People using Avatar in their examples! How odd!" Heehee.

Anyway, I'm glad you think it's okay in moderation! I like it when used now and then.

I have no idea what they're called though! Sorry. :D

[tehlobster.livejournal.com]

I'm going to agree with beckyh2112: It's a perfectly valid form of sentence variation, and it's nicer than every sentence starting with the subject (ie., "Mai was bored. She went to find Zuko. She found Zuko. Zuko and Mai had sexyfuntiems. Mai wasn't bored anymore.") Now, if it's overused, it's bad, but that's true of anything. And it might just be you overloading on it for some reason, like how sometimes you see a word six times in one day, but in six different situations. It seems like everybody's using that word too much, but it's just you. :D

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

!!!!!

That is SO weird. That actually happened to me last week with the word 'akimbo'. It was popping up in everything I was reading making me go, WTF?. haha!

I guess you're right. I'll try not to make it become too much of a peeve, but having it every other sentence like this story did was... a little much.

[tehlobster.livejournal.com]

Definitely every other sentence is beyond the realm of "moderation." I'm guessing somebody was told they needed more sentence variety, was given an example of a varied sentence, and went too far the other direction.

"Akimbo" is such a great word. I know it's popped up in Harry Potter once or twice. :P

[danel4d.livejournal.com]

Provided they're careful not to say something like "Racing up the stairs, Sophia struggled to open her front door", there's not really anything wrong with it in moderation.

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

Nono, the sentences WERE like that, which is just plain confusing. Are you racing up the stairs, or struggling with the door? Arg.

Edit: And if you're trying to do both at once it's no wonder you're having problems with the door! :D

[sharkflip.livejournal.com]

I can't do critiques any more. I've made people cry too many times.

I wish I was joking.

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I shouldn't have giggled at that, but I did. :D

For me, helping to edit original fic is oddly frustrating (whereas betaing fanfiction is 95% rewarding). Either I'm wondering if the writer has EVER read a book in their life, or I'm thinking that the story is so darned good that it should be a book and I'll never be able to compare.

[tehlobster.livejournal.com]

You should edit my original fic, then. It's clear I've read a book, yet my stories suck anyway! :D

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

Hey I'd edit your original fic any day. :D I also recommend critiquecircle.com . It's helped me soooo much.

[miki-km.livejournal.com]

Prepare yourself for a rant from an English Major:

Its completely fine that those sentences are a pet peeve (or becoming one) for you. They are a result of someone who probably learned their writing skills through roleplay and have never properly taken a writing class, but they still want to write. And, even if these kinds of writers have a good story in their heads, it'll still be complete shit if they are unable to deliver the story properly. The style of writing you are dealing with is the embodiment of the majority of the crap that is written everywhere. People don't seem to understand how important language is to writing. most people just think it is all about plot and twists in the story, or the basics of story-telling like character development, and if you're lucky decent narrative too. Language is just taken to be a given; just because they "know" English and are fluent in it.

The best example of beautiful writing that i can think of off the top of my head is probably Vladimir Nabokov's "Lolita". (i quotationed it cause i don't know html) The subject matter is... out there, but the point is to pay attention to the language. Nabokov said that for him, writing Lolita was his romance with the English language (Which was his THIRD language BTW.)

Here is a small excerpt to prove my point: "I leaf again through these miserable memories, and keep asking myself, was it then, in the glitter of that remote summer, that the rift in my life began; or was my excessive desire for that child only the first evidence of an inherent singularity? When i try to analyze my own cravings, motives, actions and so forth, i surrender to a sort of retrospective imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of my past."

The whole book is like that and it keeps me glued to the pages. So, NO, i don't think you are in the wrong for being annoyed with terrible writing. You shouldn't expect to see ridiculous writing like that of Lolita, but if all the writing out there is as retarded and you have shown us then move on from the story and don't even bother with it. (A real editor of a book or magazine would just throw it in the recycling bin.) But if you are aiming to give constructive criticism then i am truly sorry that you have to sit through the pain of reading material like that.

/endrant.

sorry.

[engelen.livejournal.com]

Language <3

[sharkflip.livejournal.com]

... Can I have your writing babies?

Also, your icon is amazing. I can't decide if it's hilarious or terrifying.

[miki-km.livejournal.com]

Ha Ha! that's not my writing. That excerpt is from the novel Lolita. XD And thanks i love that icon! its so good for so many things!

[sharkflip.livejournal.com]

I meant your analysis, not the excerpt you posted as Exhibit B. The part about "just because you have a story doesn't mean you'll be good at telling it."

:)

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

OMG you're right... It is hard to tear your eyes away from that. Wonderful writing.

Well... I'm not trying to judge the fiction. I'm supposed to help, but it's hard a lot of the time because I don't have the proper phrasing for what the heck is bothering me so much about this sentence. It's like looking at an work of art and knowing that something is wrong, but not totally sure what it is.

I need a bigger writing toolbox. :D

[katherine-lupin.livejournal.com]

I like this kind of sentences, but yes there is one thing that is true, first they cant be overused they turn to be pretty annoying and second you can put to different incompatible actions, I guess what Im trying to say is that you can write something like "Gasping for air, Zuko open his eyes" those are things that can be done at the same time but something like the phrase that danel4d put as an example is really impossible to do, I mean who is able to open a door WHILE racing up the stairs??
Any way this is just my opinion using plain logic and what I've read over here and there, after all my grammatical knowledge is really little and vague seeing Im not a native English speaker. My natural language is spanish ^^'

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

But it still makes sense! As a non-native speaker you probably pick up on more things that native speakers probably overlook by habit. :)

I think those sentences are best done for quick action scenes... although that just might be my preference. There was no doubt the original was abusing those types of sentences.

[engelen.livejournal.com]

I'm a linguistics student... I should know this D:

some kind of morphological alliteration? XD